


Slow Spiral off a cliff

by Rainstorm67



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Body Horror, Depression, Gen, Grief, Grief/Mourning, Grieving, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Janus is not okay guys, Malnourishment, No Spoilers in Tags - Freeform, Not Beta Read, Ostracization, Repression, Self Harm, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sleep Deprivation, Suicide, Whump, angst no comfort, as of the soft ending there is now comfort lol, be careful guys this one's rough, blink and you miss it Dukeceit, implied unsympathetic Sides, mild insanity, negative thinking, they're not really but, you'll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:55:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 17,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25479520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainstorm67/pseuds/Rainstorm67
Summary: Janus isn't just Deceit, he's also Selfishness, which leads to self-preservation and self-care. So his "main job" is to make and keep Thomas happy and healthy, which translates to keeping his Sides happy and healthy.His job would be a lot easier if he wasn't a lying, evil snake-face.-----This story has two endings! A "No consequences" ending, or "happy end", and what I consider the "true" ending. The "happy" ending is short, sweet fluff and everything serious in the first part is null and void because I said so. The TRUE ending is, in my opinion, much more satisfying. You can read one, the other, or both! I don't care :)
Relationships: Familial DRTLAMP, Familial RTLAMP
Comments: 31
Kudos: 96





	1. The spiral and the crash

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back at it again with Janus angst! This time, there'll be two potential endings, posted later. One will be a happier end, and the other just more pain, and you can pick and choose which one you want to read! Hope you enjoy this, and let me know what else I need to tag!
> 
> Edit (10/6): I got someone to beta read a little of the first part, and I finished the "true" ending FINALLY. Except, if it's well received, I have a sequel of sorts in the making... 
> 
> I'm sorry for taking so long to finish anything, work has been killing me, and while I have a couple fics I could post they are... nsfw, and I dunno how well THAT would be received lmao. Let me know? Thanks!

As self-preservation and self-care, all Janus really wanted was for Thomas to be safe and happy. A big part of his host being happy included the other Sides being happy, a task much easier said than done. Maybe if he wasn't who he was, if he didn't have the baggage he did, Janus could have pulled it off with ease. Make Patton finally unpack and process his bad thoughts and emotions; let Logan have the emotional breakdown that's been brewing for months and process  _ his  _ emotions and the reason behind them; show Roman just how important and loved he really is, flaws and all, and that it's okay to be flawed and make mistakes; reaffirm with Virgil his place in the mindscape, in the FamILY, and that being a "reformed dark side" didn't make him evil or unlovable; give Remus healthy outlets for his mania and intrusive thoughts, show him that his ideas are just as important and creative as his brother's, make Thomas and the others accept him…

But Janus was the lying, two-faced snake. Janus couldn't easily make the others happy, but… but they could make each other happy. If they all just met up and talked it out, let all their thoughts and feelings finally spill for the others to see, they'd get the affirmations, love, and care they needed. They could be happy.

Janus just needed to make that scenario happen, no matter what. 

\-----------------

Plan A: just get them all in one area and let them talk on their own.

Janus wasn't just able to shapeshift into the other Sides, no. He could mimic their handwriting, too - a useful skill for this plan. He'd written out five invitations, mimicking Patton's handwriting for Virgil's letter, Logan's handwriting for Patton and Roman, Remus's handwriting for Logan, and Roman's handwriting for Remus. All the letters were slightly different in their wording, but the general message was the same:

"I want to discuss something important with you, can you meet me in the Mind Palace commons at 3pm, Friday?"

Janus knew Roman would refuse an invite from Patton right now, and that Logan would be too intrigued by whatever Remus would want to say to pass up meeting him. He also knew that Remus, despite all his posturing, missed his brother fiercely, and if Roman asked to meet up, Remus would be there. Maybe it wasn't the most morally correct way of getting the others all in one room to discuss their personal problems, but when had Janus cared about being morally correct? That was Patton's problem, not his. 

With a wave of his now very tired hand, the sealed letters all vanished to their addressee's. Janus stretched out his arms and wrists, working the stiffness from his hand and back, before leaning back in his chair and looking up at his ceiling. He hoped this plan worked, if anything because Thomas would have such a better quality of life if his Sides were all getting along.

Janus casually did not remind himself that he, too, was a Side, and that he got along with no one.

\----------

Janus nearly tore his hair out from frustration. That had been a total  _ disaster.  _ The second Roman had seen Patton and Virgil trying to work out what was going on, things had started going downhill. Patton looked like he was maybe starting to get through to Roman, when Remus showed up, covered in blood, snot, and tears, and crashed into his twin.

Then it  _ really  _ all went to shit. 

Roman had thrown a fit, Remus had been hurt, confused, and lashed out because of it. Virgil had dissolved into a panic attack, Patton had freaked out trying to separate the dueling twins while trying to calm Virgil, and Logan had never even shown up. Janus had been listening in from the shadows, but when Roman had sliced open Remus' shoulder, Virgil's face turned black from his panic, and Patton started looking a little green and froggy, the half-snake had waved his hands and forced them to their rooms. The silence after all the shouting was near deafening, and Janus hadn't stuck around to wallow in it.

Now he was back in his own room, wondering what the fuck he had been thinking. How could he have expected anything else? All those strong personalities and hurt feelings, and Janus had expected everything to go smoothly? God, he was such an idiot. If anything he made things worse. 

The half snake flopped onto his bed, yellow satin sheets soft against his few patches of exposed skin. Alright, one set back doesn't equal total disaster and failure, he could still fix this! Just needed a different plan.

\-----------

Plan B: try and get them to meet one on one to talk things out, starting from most fixable to least fixable. 

Janus brushed some flour off his dark shirt and cape, looking over the ingredients with a small smile. Patton loved baking, right? And he knew Virgil used to stress bake, so getting the two to bake together would surely work well, right? Right! Plus, as Patton had so sickeningly sweetly put it, he and Virgil were now the "Bestest Mostest Dynamic-est Duo-est Duo in the Entire Thomasphere". This should go off without a hitch, surely? 

Janus slid into the shadows to watch, and wait. 

And wait.

And… wait. 

After an hour, Janus admitted a second defeat and waved his set up away, sinking back to his room without a word. A frown was pulling at his mouth, wondering how he’d fucked it up this time. He was so sure that getting Patton and Virgil to talk their issues out over baking would work! Weren’t they super close now? The snake rubbed his face, letting out a tired sigh. If he couldn’t even get the “Bestest Mostest Dynamic-est Duo-est Duo in the Entire Thomasphere” to connect and talk about their problems, there was no point trying with the others.

Janus fell into his desk chair, nearly sliding all the way off and to the floor, but managed to catch himself. He let his head drop back, letting out a wordless groan to the ceiling. New plan, then.

\--------------------

Plan C: announce a famILY movie night and hope movies and popcorn can smooth ruffled feathers enough for them to actually talk this time

Janus finished up the last invite, letting out a breath as he looked it over. He hadn’t imitated any of the other Side’s handwriting, but he hadn’t used his own either, not wanting to tip them off. 

_ You’ve been cordially invited to a famILY movie night!  _

_ Popcorn, M&M’s, Red Vines, and soft drinks are provided! Comfortable clothes are required! _

_ The list of movies playing tonight are as follows: _

_ -Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs _

_ -The NeverEnding Story _

_ -A Little Princess _

_ -Zathura _

_ -Mrs.Doubtfire _

_ Hope to see you there! _

Looked good to him! He was sure Remus wouldn’t actually show up, especially not after being sliced open by his twin so recently, but maybe he’d appreciate the invite nonetheless and consider actually going to the next movie night they have. Janus gave himself a pat on the back for his movie choices, sure that they’d appeal to everyone, but mostly Roman, who seemed the most in need of comfort and cheering up.

No thanks to him, of course, but he wasn’t focusing on past mistakes right now! Just on fixing them!

The half-snake waved away the invites to the other’s, summoning his extra arms to cross as many fingers as he could, praying this actually worked even a little bit. 

\-----------------------

Janus was  _ thisclose  _ to screaming in frustration.

No one had shown. Not even a curious head looking down the stairs to check if the coast was clear of whoever they wanted to avoid. Anger and disappointment bubbled up in his chest as he paced again, dressed only in a baggy shirt and sweats instead of his usual get-up, gloveless hands pulling at his hair. Did they know something was up? Or had Janus really broken everything that badly? Surely not… 

Well, it wasn’t like the half-snake had a good track record of fixing things, or keeping perfectly fine, stable, intact things, y’know… intact. In fact, Janus was rather good at breaking things.  Like his own family  Janus let out a huff, not so lightly knocking his fists against his temples, trying to bully an idea out of his brain. God, how did Roman and Remus make such amazing, creative ideas so easily? 

What did other people do to apologize? Maybe he should focus on that! Not necessarily make the Sides apologize to each other, but… maybe if he made it  _ look  _ like the Sides apologized to each other? But how? How would each Side apologize without just doing it face to face?

Well, Logan would write out a detailed letter for sure. Patton might make something, like a plush or a sweater or a blanket, maybe even a throw pillow. Something sewn. Roman would go over the top with gifts and flowers, wouldn’t he? Extravagant jewelry, chocolates maybe, bouquets with flower language in mind? Virgil… might draw something, if Janus is being honest. Or bake! Right, Janus almost forgot Virgil bakes. Or, at least, he did. Remus… Janus has no idea what Remus would do. Which wasn’t that bad! Because if someone who lived near the Duke for most of his life didn’t know, then the other Side’s wouldn’t either! 

Brilliant! Janus untangled his hands from his hair, ignoring the slight throbbing in his scalp from where he’d been pulling too hard, and hurried to his desk again. This  _ had  _ to work!

\------------------------

Plan D: Make it look like everyone  who matters  apologized and sit back and watch the tearful reunions! 

Janus rubbed his hands together in excitement, having just finished the last apology gift. He couldn’t decide who’s gifts had been hardest to complete. Between “Patton’s” neatly sewn gifts (plushes for Roman and Logan (A little King and a jar of Loganberry Crofters), a weighted blanket for Virgil, and a pillow for Remus specifically made with Velcro instead so he could tear it apart but still be able to put it back together if he wanted), Logan’s pages long letters written totally literally, no figurative language or metaphors or anything unless it was specified (he learned his lessons, after all-), Roman’s gaudy bracelets (surely those weren’t “girly” enough for the others to hate) and bouquets filled with hidden meaning for each Side (mostly deepest apologies and familial love, with a healthy dose of well wishes and regrets for some), and Remus’ odd conglomeration of whatever Janus thought the chaotic Side would find fitting to give, (weird creatures Janus had stolen from Remus’ side of the Imagination for Logan to study, some strange glowing flowers that smelled like fried chicken for Patton, also from the Imagination, a bug-eyed glow in the dark goldfish for Virgil, and a voodoo doll of Remus himself for Roman to beat up when he got frustrated with his brother) Janus was worn out. Baking things to be from Virgil was by far the easiest of the gifts, and Janus had left them till last for that reason. He’d waited until everyone was either busy or asleep and took over the kitchen for a night, working from about midnight to five, speed baking since he’d prepared most of the ingredients already. Logan was receiving a plate of Loganberry Crofters thumb-print cookies, Patton a plate of M&M/Reese's Pieces brownies, Roman a plate of snickerdoodles, and Remus was getting the weirdest, most wrong thing Janus could think to make. He took a standard recipe for chocolate cupcakes and just kept adding “cursed” things, hoping the deodorant eating idiot would enjoy actual Windex in his icing. Janus is actually impressed the cupcakes look so good, considering there was actual rat poison in them, plus sprinkles of Irish Spring. 

Once the last of the baked treats were ready and on their plates, all wrapped up with little notes from “Virgil” for each Side, Janus tiredly waved them and the rest of the gifts to their proper recipients and flopped onto his bed with a huge yawn. God, he was tired. When was the last time he’d slept properly? 

The half-snake shrugged and snuggled into his blankets, not bothering to change out of his clothes  which he’d been wearing for two weeks now  , letting the blackness creep up and consume him, filling his head with numbing fuzz. Surely by the afternoon, everything would be fixed!

\-------------------

Everything was not, in fact, fixed. If Janus was being honest with himself, he probably made things even worse somehow.

Who knew Remus’ sticks of deodorant he always snacked on weren’t  _ actually  _ deodorant, but were, in fact, cheese molded to look like deodorant. 

Needless to say, the mindscape went into total frenzy about half an hour after Janus had passed out, Remus violently vomiting up cupcake, stomach bile, and blood. The screams, sounds of vomiting, and Logan’s harsh, commanding voice jolted Janus out of his pitiful amount of sleep, despite the fact that the commotion wasn’t exactly right outside his door. Janus had sunk into the shadows near the scene and nearly threw up himself at the sight of Remus convulsing on the ground. Blood, chocolate, and frothy bile was smeared near his mouth and puddled on the floor. The other Sides were crowded around, either panicking off to the side or being directed around by Logan, who was the calmest of them all. Janus melted further into the shadows to make sure he wouldn’t be seen, watching with wide, scared eyes as Logan gradually got the poison out of Remus’ system and fixed him up. The second Remus was breathing normally again, Janus fled to his room and locked himself in, fingers already tangled into his greasy, matted hair, tugging harshly. He had barely caught a glimpse of a scared, confused Virgil reading the note Janus had left with the cupcakes. 

A sob tore its way out of the half-snake’s chest, tears streaming down his face. His body trembled where he stood, his breathing ragged and quick, negativity slamming into him like a tsunami.

_ You fucking moron, what were you thinking? Why did you have to add actual poison into the cupcakes!? Why didn’t you just make them look gorey with red food dye and fondant!? Why run the risk of actually harming him!? God, you’re so fucking stupid, you really  _ can’t  _ do anything right, can you!? _

Janus let out another broken sob and sunk to the floor, his shaky legs giving out on him. His chest felt like it was on fire, his stomach was cramped, and the Side just slowly curled in on himself and cried, quiet as he could, into his rug. He gasped as his nails scratched into his scalp, feeling blood well up and run down his face, but… it kind of helped. Released some of the unbearable pressure in his chest.

So he shifted his fingernails into claws and sunk them into his scalp, hissing at the initial sting, but the pressure in his chest lessened again, and made him feel better. Janus easily ignored the blood warming his fingertips, soaking into his hair, and dripping down his face, and scratched more, more,  _ more  _ into his head, until finally he could breathe again. 

The half-snake ignored the stains on his rug and slowly pushed himself to his feet, his breathing still shaky and labored, but he was breathing again. That was good, right?

“Okay, okay, so you fucked up. Again. No biggie, Logan fixed him right up, everyone was worried and upset about him, isn’t that a good thing? Maybe this really is working! Not that I wanted to hurt Remus, or any of them, but maybe… maybe that’s what’ll work to bring them together and show each other they care? Afterall, who can really look at someone who worked their ass off to patch you back up and still think they didn’t like you?” Janus mumbled to himself, stumbling a bit as he went back to his desk, ideas and scenarios swirling through his fuzzy head. “Yes… yes, this one will work… I’m sure of it…”

\----------------------

Plan E: Put one or more of the others in Mortal Peril and watch them get saved by those not in Mortal Peril and have a huge group hug full of smiles, love, and tears of joy!

Janus was feeling good about this one. He’d left the other Sides alone for three weeks (Or… maybe 5? Time was a little wonky lately) while he worked, hardly sleeping or even looking at food while trying to perfect this latest attempt to fix his mistakes. He had the perfect plan this time! He had written out an SOS letter in Logan’s and Patton’s handwriting, the two who felt the most ignored and unloved, which left Roman, Remus, and Virgil, the one’s needing to be reminded they are good, and helpful, and heroes, to save them! Janus would simply shove Patton and Logan into the subconscious, a place that Creativity and Anxiety thrived, leave the note on the common room table, and sit back and watch his glorious plan work this time! 

He’d been silently, invisibly checking in on the others, mainly Remus, to monitor how he was healing, and the chaotic Side was up and about like normal now! Almost no sign that Janus had poisoned and almost killed him not too long ago! Now all he had to do was kidnap Patton and Logan, shove them into the Subconscious, and leave the note for the others! Then everything would be fixed!

Janus sunk his teeth into his lip to keep the breathless, excited giggles from escaping his mouth. The pain and blood didn’t faze him, and besides, he had to be quiet to pull this off! They couldn’t know it was him doing all this, if they knew who was behind all this, it might break everything! Or… maybe not. Afterall, all his plans had just… made things worse. He really was the villain, wasn’t he? Even when trying to fix everything, he’d just… made it worse. But, maybe they’d all truly unite against a common enemy? For that’s really all he was, wasn’t he? Everyone’s enemy? The big bad snake, ready to strike down anyone at a moment’s notice? Janus is sure even Remus, who had been on semi-friendly terms with Janus for most of their existence, hated him now! Afterall, it was pretty obvious now that Janus had at least been the one to make those fucking cupcakes. He’d even tried to frame Virgil for it! What a horrible creature he was!

The snake switched from biting almost clean through his mangled, bloody lip to sinking his fangs into his pale, bony hand. When was the last time he ate, either? Janus waved the thought away impatiently, that didn’t matter! He was second guessing his latest plan, he needed to see it through! He already had the note written out and everything! 

So, with a new sense of purpose, Janus sunk into the shadows in the commons, note folding nicely in his free hand, hoping to find it empty. Imagine his surprise when…

When he found Patton and Virgil piling blankets and pillows on the long couch, dressed in their onesies. Logan in the kitchen, sounding like he was scolding a laughing Roman and Remus. A quick dip into the shadows of the kitchen showed that the twins were play fighting over decorating a cake, Logan trying to play referee.

Oh.

They… they fixed things on their own. Everyone was smiling, and happy, and there was a general sense of  _ lightness  _ in the air that hadn’t been around since Thomas started making the Sanders Sides videos.

Janus blinked once, twice, just… taking it all in. In his quest to try and fix his fuck ups, he hadn’t been paying attention to every interaction like he used to. He hadn’t… he didn’t realize that they were working things out on their own… that things were probably all fixed between them when Remus had been poisoned, hence the reactions… 

Janus stayed in the shadows, watching with a detached sort of air as Logan finally got the twins to agree to decorating half the cake each however they wanted, the play fighting turning to playful banter and critiques over the other’s use of color and icing over fondant. Logan looked fondly exasperated watching the two, and Patton and Virgil’s laughter over something floated into the room.

He should be… happy, right? That they fixed things? That they were happy now, that  _ Thomas  _ was obviously happy now? Why… why did he feel so hollow, watching the heartwarming, loving scene? 

_ Because you’re more useless than you thought,  _ a voice hissed in his ear, his heart constricting with the pain of the truth,  _ you wasted all that time and energy trying to fix what you broke, only making things worse, and look! If you had just left them alone, they wouldn’t have taken so long to get to this point. You delayed their healing,  _ Deceit,  _ you almost broke them beyond repair. You almost killed Remus. You’re nothing but a worthless, villainous snake. _

Janus felt something dripping down his face, but since his teeth were buried in his lip again and his fingernails were digging into his heavily scarred scalp, he wasn’t sure if it was blood, tears, or some mixture of both. Probably both. His breath caught painfully in his chest, and suddenly he couldn’t bear to look at the scene any longer. He’d barely managed to choke back his sob as he sunk out to his room, tears clogging his throat.

The rather mangled, bloody half-snake collapsed into a heap in the middle of his dim, dusty, chilly room. He let out a strangled sob into his stained rug, bony fingers digging deeper into his scalp, scratching his skull. His chest shuddered as he tried to breathe through the painful sorrow, harsh sobs and coughs tearing themselves from his throat. His severely underweight body jerked, his empty stomach heaving as bile spilled from his mouth and burned the open wounds on his lips. 

Janus managed to lift his head and caught sight of himself in his floor length mirror, really seeing himself for the first time in… months.

His hair was a matted mess, dark with dried blood and in a desperate need of a wash. Maybe three. His face was pale and angular where there were once curves, his eyes dull and sunken. His scales were dull and just as pale as his skin. He looked like a skeleton with skin, his filthy clothes hanging off his too-thin frame like plus-size clothes on a child. His eye bags were heavy and dark, almost like he’d gotten into Virgil’s makeup, and his eyes were bloodshot. He looked like he hadn’t eaten or slept in… a while…

And he hadn’t, had he? Janus… genuinely couldn’t remember the last time he ate anything, or when he’d gotten more than a half hour of sleep at a time… He’d been so busy with his plans, trying so hard to fix everything, to make them happy again… 

Janus let out a semi hysterical giggle, tears unable to form due to how dehydrated he was. He’s been so stupid… the answer was so obvious this whole time…! Janus never needed to  _ fix  _ anything for the Sides!

Janus needed to take himself out of the equation. 

All the evidence he needed was in the common room right now. They were happy now, they were getting along, and feeling loved, and it wasn’t because of Janus. They did it all on their own. That voice, wherever it came from, had been right. If Janus had just left them alone… they would have been happy long ago.

The half-snake rolled onto his side, overcome with painful, hysterical giggles. It had been so simple this whole time! How hadn’t he seen it before?

Maybe… maybe he’d hoped that one of the others would catch him? Would ask him what he was doing, and he’d explain, and they’d help, and he’d finally,  _ finally  _ , be good? Or maybe they’d notice that he never snuck food anymore, they’d notice his eye bags, the way his clothes hung off him, and confront him? Take care of him? That they’d care for a filthy snake-face like himself?

How foolish.

As if they even spared him a thought these last however many weeks.

Or if they did, it was probably in relief that he hadn’t shown his awful, nasty, vile snake-face.

Janus let the breathless, shaky giggles continue to fall from his bloody lips as a shaky hand came down from his hair to scratch idly at the scaled half of his face, his eyes wide and foggy. The scratching slowly grew more insistent, until his nails were catching on the edges of scales and yanking. Until bloody scales, bits of flesh still attached, started to cover the floor. His giggles had slowly grown in volume, until he was cackling, both hands scrabbling madly at his scales, desperately trying to yank out every last one. Vile, nasty things.

Eventually the pain got through his foggy brain, and he stopped abruptly, his breath heaving in his chest. He was trembling, staring at nothing, trying to both distance himself from his pain and force himself to feel every inch of burning from his face and neck. Nasty, vile, evil things like himself deserved to be in pain, to be defeated, while the heroes triumphed and thrived.

And the heroes were thriving. 

Janus let a pained whine fill the air of his dusty bedroom, his breath catching again. His muddled brain started to kick into gear, the pain giving him some clarity, as he tried to make one last plan. One last attempt to fix his mistakes, to atone for his sins.

How to get rid of himself without hurting Thomas?

\--------------------

Plan F: Remove the vile, evil villain from the Mindscape without hurting Thomas or the others.

Janus played with the idea of ducking out, like Virgil had, but knew he couldn’t do that. Thomas couldn’t lose his sense of self-preservation and self-care, nor his capacity for deceit and lying, that just… wouldn’t end well. So, no ducking out. (Besides, Janus wasn’t fully sure how to do that anyways…)

He could try and… kill himself? Clearly Sides could be poisoned, maybe they could die? But… what if that ended the same as ducking out, except Thomas would never get back his self-preservation and lying? No, he couldn’t risk that. Janus would be damned if his last attempt to help and be good ended up hurting his Host.

Janus had no idea how long he spent trying to figure out a way to remove himself, when he remembered something incredibly important.

All Sides were a mesh of several different concepts and ideas. Patton was Thomas’ heart, emotions, and sense of morality; Logan was Thomas’ factual memory, curiosity, and logic; Roman was Thomas’ ego, his hopes and dreams, his romantic and fanciful ideals, and part of his creativity; Virgil was Thomas’ fight-or-flight response, his sense of caution and part of his self preservation, his anxiety; Remus was Thomas’ intrusive thoughts, his impulses, his more lustful ideals, the other part of his creativity. 

All these functions and ideas, plus many others that made Thomas who he was, were in the Unconscious part of the mind. When Thomas needs certain traits and functions more than before, they click and make a Side. It’s how they’re “born”.

So… if the unconscious can make Sides, maybe… maybe it can tear them apart, too? Dismantle them back into their separate functions? Erase the Side without getting rid of what they’re made of?

Janus felt something light in his chest, a sense of  _ right  _ , and knew what he needed to do. The half-snake pushed himself off his rug, barely able to carry his own pitiful weight, and stumbled to his desk. He half collapsed into the chair, digging out his nicest paper and pen, hoping his hand didn’t shake too much to not be able to write.

One final letter, one last ditch attempt to atone for his sins, before he fixed everything. It was quite rude to just disappear without any kind of notice, after all! He didn’t want them to wonder about where he ran off to!

He hesitated, the pen hovering over the page.

Th… the other’s wouldn’t worry. The reminder hit him like a semi truck, leaving him breathless and aching. Right. No one had bothered to try and find him, to see if he was okay, to ask why he hadn’t shown his face in so long… He could have done this ages ago and no one would have noticed… why waste time and energy writing them a letter? Even if they found it, they’d see it was from him and dismiss it anyways! 

But… it was still rude to just leave with no sort of goodbye. And like hell he was going to show up face-to-face and ruin their happy movie night, just to tell them goodbye. Janus put pen to paper determinedly, scribbling out a short, simple message, and signing it at the bottom. He left the letter where it was, dropping the pen, and sunk out of his room.

\-------------------

Janus wasn’t actually fully sure where the Unconscious was, but it probably wasn’t that hard to find, right? Most everything was behind a labelled door, he just had to find the right one! He felt a small smile pull at his sore lips as he stumbled through the grey halls of Thomas’ mind, a hoarse, toneless hum filling the halls. Soon the humming shifted from a single note to several, and Janus found himself humming that neat little song Remus had made for his grand reveal to Thomas. Had he ever told the Duke he was so proud of him for that? Not just the song, but for being so brave to face the Lights on his own, to face their Host. To make himself vulnerable to their criticism. 

Janus should have said a lot of things, and not said many more. Now wasn’t time for regrets, though, he needed to focus. He needed to find the door to the Unconscious, and everything will be better. 

The half-snake had no idea how long he stumbled through his Host’s mind, passing door after door after dead end, his vision swimming and his head fuzzy. His chest was tight, and it felt like a fishhook was in his lungs, tugging at them, but he ignored it. He was so close, he could tell… It had to be here somewhere… there-!

Janus fell against the door, looking blearily up at the plaque.  _ Unconscious  _ . He felt his mangled lips twist into a smile. Finally.

A shaky hand found its way onto the doorknob, the half-snake hissing slightly at how cold it was. That made sense, he supposed, but it was still unpleasant. 

The tugging grew worse, more painful in his chest, but he still ignored it in favor of swinging the door open. Blackness greeted him, and Janus genuinely couldn’t tell if there was a floor or just a drop into eternal emptiness. He almost hoped it was a drop, so he couldn’t have second thoughts. 

_ Janus…  _ the inky blackness seemed to be calling him, using Patton’s soft voice to coax him in. He found himself leaning closer, the other’s voices soon filling his head as well.  _ Janus… Jay… JD… J-anus…  _

“I’m coming” he mumbled, shaky legs managing to carry him through the doorway, “I’m coming… I’ll fix it…”

_ Janus…!  _ His host’s voice filled his head, sounding scared, and Janus threw himself forward, a hoarse cry falling from his mouth.

“I’m here, Thomas, I’m here! It’s okay!” He brokenly called, easily falling into the blackness, the door swinging shut behind him-

And everything just… stopped.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hey, who’s gonna get Janus?” Roman asked, putting the finishing touches on his half of the cake. He was quite proud of the swirling yellow snakes on the black background. He politely ignored the mess of yellow and black that was Remus’ half.

“You,” Virgil responded promptly, plugging in a heat lamp over the middle of the couch, making sure to pile a couple extra blankets there too. He shot the offended prince a grin, “You asked, which means you get to do it. Next time you won’t ask.”

“Now Virge, that’s not very nice! Besides, this whole thing is  _ for  _ Janus, of  _ course  _ we need to actually go get him!” Patton gently chastised the anxious Side, “Hey, we can all go get him!”

“That sounds adequate,” Logan hummed, eyeing the cake with a critical look before giving his nod of approval, “It gives us all a chance to apologize to him and show that we forgive him for his past mistakes.” 

“Yeah! I’m not even mad he poisoned me!” Remus jumped in, eyes bright with manic energy, “It was a pretty funny prank, after all!” 

“Right, yeah,” Virgil muttered, eyeing the Duke, “Maybe don’t bring it up like that. I mean, it probably wasn’t on purpose, considering everything else he did, he probably just assumed that’s what you ate.”

“I know! Such a silly danger noodle! I can’t believe none of you smelled the cheese!” Remus cackled, pulling out a stick of “deodorant” as if to prove a point, taking a massive bite. “Even I’m not dumb enough to actually eat deodorant!”

“Guys, this isn’t getting Janus down here for a movie night and cake!” Patton huffed, his hands on his hips, “Come on, lets go get him! Oh, I can’t wait to see his face when he sees all this! He’s going to be so happy!”

The other’s all nodded and followed the bouncy Side up the stairs and down the hall with all their rooms. Well, almost all their rooms.

“Hey… wasn’t his door between me and Remus?” Virgil asked, looking nervously at the stretch of blank wall between his purple door and Remus’ neon green monstrosity. “And there’s no other door down the hall… where’s his room?”

“I… do not know. Perhaps Thomas moved it somehow? Though where it could have been moved, I do not know…” Logan frowned, eyeing the stretch of wall as well.

“Maybe he’s just being dramatic, and moved it further down!” Remus grinned, but they could all see the worry in his eyes, “Come on!”

Remus led the group this time, very familiar with the darker parts of Thomas’ mind, where his and the other “dark” Sides’ rooms had been until recently. After walking for a solid five minutes, enough time for Patton and Roman to start whispering anxiously to each other, Remus finally stopped and pointed.

“Told ya! He’s just being dramatic, hiding in the shadows and whatever!” The Duke cackled, rushing over to the yellow door, ignoring the dust and dull, peeling paint in favor of kicking the door in. “Oh J-anus! W-” Remus broke off to cough, dust billowing up in his face. The others watched in silent shock as he stumbled back, waving a hand in front of his face, coughing more.

“Whoa,” Virgil muttered, eyes wide. He was starting to pick at his nails, shifting from foot to foot. “That’s… a lot of dust. Why would his room be dusty? And his doors all old and beat up, he keeps it nice and neat, what-”

“Virge, breathe, please.” Logan interrupted Virgil’s spiraling thoughts, grasping his shoulder’s firmly and giving him a level look, “Can you breathe with me?”

Virgil managed a nod, barely registering Patton and Roman hurrying over to Remus and the door, patting his back and conjuring him some water. The anxious Side kept his eyes on Logan, kept his focus on his breathing, and slowly managed to calm down again.

“There, better?” Logan asked, relaxing his hold on the other Side.

“Yeah, thanks.” Virgil cleared his throat, trying not to blush from the embarrassment. He’d really had a panic attack because of some dust and a dirty door? Kinda pathetic… 

“Good, now, lets investigate this rather concerning development.” Logan turned and led the way to the other’s, who were standing in the doorway. “Patton? Roman? Remus? What appears to be the matter?”

“I-I” Patton stuttered, starting to shake. When he turned to face Logan and Virgil, his eyes were swimming in tears, “B-Blood, s-scales, I-I-” He let out a sob, his knees giving out. Virgil dashed forward and caught him before he hit the floor, easily holding the now sobbing Side up.

Logan and Virgil exchanged bewildered looks, before Logan slid his way into Janus’ room to see for himself. Virgil already had some ideas about what was in there, but he really didn’t want to be right about them.

“Oh dear,” Logan’s voice, quiet and shaky, ruined any hope Virgil had, “That’s… a lot of scales and blood. Oh goodness.”

“What’s on the desk?” Roman’s voice, hoarse from his shock and horror, spoke up. Beside him, Remus was dead silent, perfectly still. Maybe he was in shock.

Virgil watched Logan disappear into the room, and was glad that his view was still blocked by the twins. He didn’t want to see what he thought was in there, a pile of bloody scales. He didn’t want the visual confirmation.

The little choked sound Logan let out shot fear into all of their hearts, Patton going quiet and Remus breaking out of whatever trance he was in. In seconds, Remus had disappeared into the room, and there was the sound of paper rustling, before he let out a loud, long stream of curses.

“What, what is it!?” Virgil called, still not stepping foot into the room. Patton clung to his chest, sniffling and shaking. What the fuck was going on?

“It’s a fucking suicide note!” Remus screamed, fury and badly hidden fear in his voice, “That fucker- listen to this!  _ I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused, all the wrongs I can not right. Roman was right to label me dark, evil, a villain, for that is all I am. Hopefully once you read this, I will have managed to atone for my sins. Farewell, Janus Deceit Sanders.  _ What the fuck kind of bullshit is this!? Atone for his fucking sins!?! What the fuck?!”

“I believe he is referencing his part-snake appearance and drawing parallels to the snake in the garden of Eden-”

“WHAT DOES THAT FUCKING MATTER!?” Remus screeched, cutting off Logan, the lights flickering with his fear and anger, “JANUS IS FUCKING GONE TO GO KILL HIMSELF IN SOME TWISTED SENSE OF SELF-SACRIFICE AND MARTYRDOM! HE COULD BE ANYWHERE!”

“W-We could summon him?” Patton suggested, his voice as shaky and small as Virgil felt right now. “J-Janus? Janus, k-kiddo, come here please?”

“Janus!” Logan called, his voice breaking a little. He was pale, his face wet with tears.

“Jay?” Virgil whispered, tears and fear working to clog his throat.

“JD?” Roman tried, his breathing starting to grow ragged with each failed attempt.

“J-anus!” Remus yelled, hiccuping on a sob, “Get your scaly ass back here, now!”

“Guys, he’s not- he’s not coming-” Patton gasped, and suddenly Virgil really had to hold him up as the moral Side’s legs gave out, “Oh god, guys-”

“Thomas can summon him,” Logan rushed to reassure the others, panic filling his eyes, “Surely he’ll appear if Thomas summons him?”

The five Sides, all in various states of panic, shared glances before sinking out to their Host’s living room.

Thankfully, no one was over, so no one but them saw Thomas jump like a startled rabbit at their sudden appearance.

“Whoa, guys, a little warning next time- whoa. What happened, you all look terrible-” Thomas took in the state of his Sides; Patton still clinging to Virgil, his face pale and washed with tears; Virgil, trembling like a leaf and trying desperately to control his breathing to avoid a full panic meltdown; Roman and Remus, both pale and shaky and  _ scared  _ , though Remus looked to be trying to hide his fear with anger; and Logan, his most stoic side, looking like he’d seen death itself.

“It’s Janus, he’s gone missing, we think he’s going to do something drastic, and he won’t answer us when we call him,” Logan explained in a panicked rush, “Thomas, you have to summon him, he’ll listen to you, please-”

“Whoa, whoa! Okay, I’ll try, but you are explaining everything when he gets here,” Thomas informed his shaken Sides, closing his eyes and focusing on his strange snake boi of a Side. He breathed in and lifted a hand, firmly saying, “Janus.”

Nothing.

Thomas blinked, staring blankly at the spot where he was sure the deceitful Side would show up, and tried again, “Janus? Janus!? Janus!!”

Patton let out a broken wail and shoved his face in Virgil’s chest, dissolving into rough sobs as the reality of it all hit him. Virgil himself stumbled and lost feeling in his legs, slowly sinking to sit on the stairs, clinging to Patton like a lifeline. His expression was blank, his eyes wide. 

Remus had just… shut down. The light in his eyes died and he went limp, slowly sliding to the floor and staring at nothing, not blinking. He didn’t even twitch when Roman sank down next to him, clinging to his side and crying into his shoulder.

Logan was the only one still standing, but only because his knees had locked. He watched with a semi-detached feeling of horror and dread as his Host frantically kept trying to summon the half-snake, his panic either affecting theirs, or theirs affecting him. Eventually, Logan finally snapped out of his trance and placed a hand on his host’s raised arm, dark, painfully sad eyes locking with teary, panicked ones.

“Enough, Thomas. He… he isn’t coming.”

“W-What- why n-not- you all a-always answer- d-did he duck out, like V-Virgil?” Thomas asked, frantic for any kind of answer that wasn’t… that wasn’t too horrible to think about.

“You don’t seem affected besides your panic and pain, perhaps try lying?” Logan suggested, resigning himself to holding off on his own breakdown. Thomas needed at least one of them coherent.

“I-I- Okay- u-uhm- They s-sky is green?” Thomas tried, looking to Logan for answers. “I, I lied, s-so- doesn’t that m-mean he’s okay? Maybe h-he’s just ignoring me!”

“Unlikely,” Logan whispered, looking over to the crying twins, “There was a note on his-his desk. He, uhm… he felt that he had sinned, and that he needed to atone for those sins… he still… he still thought of himself as the villain.”

Thomas let out a strangled, wounded sound. He’d accepted his strange snake Side, though! He gave him a seat at the figurative table, how could Janus still see himself as a villain!?

“He r-ripped his scales off,” Remus croaked out, his eyes teary and unseeing, “W-was a… b-big pile of em… on his floor… l-... lotsa blood…”

Both Virgil and Patton cringed at that, and Thomas let out a soft cry. He looked like he was going to be sick.

“Since you can still lie, Thomas, I… I am going t-to assume that Janus, uhm… that he w-went to the Unconscious, and th-that it works in reverse.” Logan rubbed furiously at his eyes, desperately pushing down his emotions, for just a little longer… “All Sides gets f-formed in the U-Unconscious, when certain t-traits and functions that a-are being used a lot click togeth-ther. I can o-only assume th-that… that he went there a-and… and br-broke himself ap-part.”

Patton let out a wail as Remus slammed his fists into the floor and Thomas stumbled back. Logan’s emotions overtook him, and soon he had joined the others on the floor, hugging his legs and crying into his knees.

“H-he… oh my g-god,” Thomas breathed, sinking back into his couch, “I… c-can we… I m-mean… is there a-any way to r-reform him?”

Logan just shook his head, too overwhelmed to verbally reply. Thankfully, he wasn’t the only one who could answer that.

“No,” Remus whispered, locking eyes with his Host, “I-If… if the, uh, the functions and stuff th-that made him u-up reform, it… it won’t be h-him. It won’t be J-Janus. Hell, th-the new guy p-probably won’t even go by D-Deceit… o-or look like him…”

Thomas buried his face in his hands, unable to do much more than try and focus on regulating his breathing. How had this happened? How hadn’t he noticed Janus spiraling like that? How could he be so blind to the suffering of his Sides? He hadn’t even felt anything… his deceit, his self-care, his denial had been suffering and spiraling for who knows how long, and Thomas hadn’t known. And now he was gone, broken apart into his core functions. For all intents and purposes… Janus was dead.

Thomas let out a sob, curling in on himself as tears and sorrow and regret overtook him, and the outside world washed away.


	2. The "everything bad is suddenly fixed via magic" ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's short, but here's the first of the two endings, the happy version! Hope you enjoy the fluff, and I am so sorry I keep reusing this fluff ending, I am not as creative as I'd like to be-

Thomas took a shuddering breath, shoving his tears aside to stand up, a grim look of determination on his face. “No,” he spat, his voice and body shaking, “No, I won’t… I refuse to believe he’s gone forever! I- it’s MY mind, dammit, and- Janus is not gone! I make the fucking rules, right!?” 

The Sides all stared at their Host, eyes wide and teary, dead silent. None of them wanted to interrupt, or get their hopes up. However, when Thomas’ eyes snapped to him, Logan did offer a silent nod of agreement. Thomas had final say on how his mind worked.

“Right! So… so, fuck that Unconsciousness bull, Janus… Janus is fine!” Thomas squeezed his eyes shut, breath hitching, “Janus is whole, and fine, and here with us!”

There was a soft _whoosh_ , and Thomas’ eyes snapped open, catching on painfully familiar mismatched eyes.

Janus looked like _shit_ , pale and sunken and covered in dried blood. He also looked completely bewildered, wide eyes staring back at his equally startled Host. 

“Janus?” Thomas whispered, hope slowly filling his chest.

“H-how…?” Janus croaked, slowly looking around the rest of the room, taking in the other Sides and their shocked, tear-covered appearances. He looked back to his Host, still wide eyed and confused.

Before Thomas could even begin to try and explain, there was a pained cry of “Janus!” and then Remus was flying at the half-snake, wrapping around him like the octopus he was, openly sobbing into his shoulder. Thomas was impressed that his lying Side managed to stay standing throughout the attack, feeling his own urge to tackle Janus into a hug.

So he did.

Janus let out a startled noise when Thomas joined the borderline aggressive hug, eagerly squeezing the snake boi and trying not to cry. Janus squeaked when another pair of arms joined the hug, then another, and then everyone was crowded around him, grabbing hold of his arms, his shirt, someone had a hand in his hair, despite the blood and tangles… 

“I-I… what… b-but, I…” Janus stuttered, his breath catching in his chest, “I-I don’t…”

“My mind, my rules,” Thomas choked out, squeezing his Side tighter, “You don’t get to just… just _do_ that, okay? Y-you feel bad again a-and, and you come to me, okay? N-no more of this, this hiding away nonsense. Got it?”

Janus couldn’t speak, his throat was too clogged from emotion and tears he still couldn’t shed, so he just nodded and buried his bloody face in his Host’s shoulder and dry sobbed. He could hear at least some of the other’s crying as well, and his heart both ached and warmed at the thought of them crying over him.

After a solid five minutes of a crushing group hug, Thomas finally loosened his grip and stepped back, watching as Patton eagerly took his place and burrowed into Janus’ chest, still softly crying. The Host felt a small smile tug at his mouth, watching his Sides smother Janus in the affection he so clearly had been lacking, but there was just one little thing…

Thomas shut his eyes again, thinking really, _really_ hard. _Janus is fine. He’s clean, and healthy, and his scales are smooth and shiny and healthy._

There was a strangled gasp from what had dissolved into a cuddle pile, and when Patton jerked back, looking worried that he had caused pain, Thomas got a good look at his lying Side.

Janus’ human skin was clean, clear, with a healthy tint of pink to his no-longer-sunken cheeks. His eyes were bright and clear, his scales grown back and shiny as ever, his hair soft and fluffy. His clothes were clean, but he was still in the t-shirt and sweats that he was before. They no longer hung off him, however, and instead were only slightly baggy. Janus caught Thomas’ eyes, his own welling up with tears as he sent his Host a grateful, wobbly smile.

Thomas sent one back, watching as the group hug slowly sank to the floor to really become a cuddle pile, even Logan looking reluctant to let go. For a while he just watched them all, Janus whispering something under his breath that Thomas couldn’t catch, but he assumed was apologies considering that Logan cut him off to gently lecture him and Patton was shaking his head rapidly from where it was buried in Janus’ chest. Eventually, the Host rejoined his Sides, easily cuddling up between Patton and Virgil, running careful fingers through Janus’ surprisingly soft hair.

It was another few minutes before Roman shot up with a dramatic gasp, his slightly puffy eyes wide, and simply shouted, “The cake!”

Both Janus and Thomas were immensely confused, but the other Sides brightened immediately, and before anyone could say anything else, they all (including Thomas) were transported to the Mindscape. Janus was bodily moved to the warm, cozy spot on the couch he’d seen Virgil and Patton preparing earlier, his eyes widening as realization struck him, and dear god he felt like a _fool-_

Remus and Roman ran into the kitchen to grab their cake, Thomas also being bodily moved to sit next to Janus on the couch, Patton giving them both gentle head pats before disappearing into the kitchen too. Host and snake boi gave each other bemused looks as Virgil “sneakily” snuggled his way into Janus’ side, curling up against the half-snake like a cat, pale hands clutching the baggy t-shirt tightly. Logan sat on Thomas’ other side, “subtly” leaning against his Host and letting the chaotic right-brained Sides handle the refreshments.

“Uhm, not that I don’t like a good cuddle session, but what are we doing? What about cake?” Thomas asked, absolutely baffled.

“When we discovered all the various ways Janus had been trying to help us and fix relations between us, we decided to try and give back, and organised this movie night for him as a sort of apology and thank you all wrapped in one. The twins baked and decorated a cake for him, Virgil and Patton made the couch into this cozy nest, and I supervised and made movie choices. Hopefully they will appeal to everyone,” Logan answered, his voice still slightly congested from his earlier crying.

Further discussion was paused as Patton helped Roman and Remus carry in a three tiered black and yellow cake, proudly setting it on the coffee table right in front of Janus. The snake boi looked too overwhelmed with emotion to answer properly, so Thomas decided to try and speak for him.

“Wow, guys, looks great! What flavor is it?” 

“Lemon” Remus responded proudly, sticking his fists on his hips, “As if we wouldn’t make his fave, gosh, Thomathy.” 

“I don’t? Know? Your guy’s favorite anythings?” Thomas said, over enunciating the questions. 

“Who cares, cake time!” Roman cheered, his eyes still red from his own crying. Patton joined in on the cheer and snapped some paper plates and forks into existence, helping Roman cut the cake while Remus launched himself at the couch. The chaotic Side nearly knocked Virgil from his perch, causing said Side to hiss at him, but Remus just wriggled his way into Janus’ lap and gripped tight to his shirt. Janus himself just looked pleasantly resigned to his fate, even burrowing further into his blankets, quietly thanking Roman when he got handed a plate of cake. It was a real struggle to actually eat it though, what with a lapful of wriggly Remus and hissy Virgil, but Janus managed. Everyone seemed to brighten at the half-snake’s happy hums at the taste.

Soon everyone was settled in with their own cake, even Thomas (who had bullied his brain into allowing him to eat and taste the cake without it actually giving him sustenance). Janus didn’t say anything as the list of movies he’d chosen for his surprise movie night started playing, starting with A Little Princess, but he had a soft smile on his face all the same. 

Surrounded by his new family, that nasty voice was finally silenced, and Janus was able to fully relax and just bask in the affection and care from the others. Even if Remus kept making lewd noises over his own slice of cake, Logan kept pointing out inconsistencies with the movies, Roman whined about a lack of songs to sing along with, Patton sternly chastised characters that weren’t being morally “correct”, and Virgil muttered about every dark hidden meaning. Janus didn’t think he could get happier, cuddled up against his Host’s side, surrounded by the other’s all having some form of contact with him, as if scared he’d disappear again. 

Things were looking up.


	3. True End (?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the True ending of that horrible angsty beast! This is at least as many words as the first part, so walk around and stretch after reading, especially if you read everything in one go like I do! Stay hydrated, and I hope you enjoy :)

It had been months since… since the Incident. Everyone was recovering, but slowly. Almost painfully slowly.

Thomas’s internalized guilt was almost eating him up inside, his thoughts a constant cycle of “You should have noticed,”, “You should have stopped this,”, and “this is your fault,”. He hardly slept much, despite Logan’s quiet insistence that having a healthy sleep schedule would help, and even a new… function, he’d called himself, showed up to try and get him to sleep. He’d called himself… Remy, Thomas thinks. Lot of R names.

The other Sides weren’t doing much better. Logan was doing the best on the surface, but he was just as much of a wreck on the inside as anyone else. The worst by far was Remus. The chaotic creativity had sobbed, loud and ugly, for a whole hour after Thomas tried to summon Janus, and then he just… shut down. He hardly moved on his own, which was fine considering the Sides weren’t real people and didn’t need to eat and drink to survive, but he had lost a lot of weight regardless. Mostly Remus stayed in bed for days on end, staring blankly at a wall.

Patton and Roman were emotional messes at all times, and could be found crying on each other at any time of day, anywhere. Virgil had taken to locking himself away and blaring loud music but Patton always panicked at the thought of losing another kiddo and dragged him out over and over again, usually to cuddle on the couch. 

On particularly bad days, Thomas even felt a little spiteful and mad at Janus for what he did. He'd tried to help, but all he managed to do was send Thomas and his Side's into a complete spiral that not even the stoic Logic could get out of. His phone was filled with voicemails and ignored texts from friends and family, but Thomas just… couldn't bring himself to care. He felt so hollow without his deceitful Side around.

For the past week or so, Thomas had taken to quietly trying to summon Janus once a day, in the vain hope that maybe he would come back. Sure, Logan had robotically informed him that Janus' room had totally disappeared, but that didn't mean anything! Maybe it was just hidden! Yeah, that was it.

Distantly, Thomas thought that maybe living in Denial wasn't a great thing, but the rest of his brain told that part to shut up, that maybe embracing Denial, Lying, Selfishness, and Self-Care would bring Janus back. Remus or Logan had said something about how Sides formed, right? Just reform him! Everything would work out! 

So, from that day on, Thomas took extra care to keep himself and his apartment clean, doing laundry, getting more Hello Fresh meals and cooking those instead of ordering through DoorDash. He slowly started checking in on his Sides, starting with Logan. The emotional breakdown was expected, but still a surprise at how… intense it was. Thomas held Logan for a full hour, his shirt getting soaked in tears and snot as Logan babbled about not paying close enough attention, at the sickening feeling of guilt, of feeling responsible, of not being able to work or eat or sleep properly due to the stress and grief. Thomas held him through it all, gently shushing his sobs and correcting the cognitive distortions. By the end of it, Thomas felt a part of his mind finally settle, easily waving away Logan's still shaky apologies for making a mess on his Host and not doing his job properly lately.

With Logan on the proper road to healing, Thomas decided to give himself a day of relaxation and preparation before tackling the other Sides. He knew Remus was really starting to worry the others with how despondent and lifeless he was being, so Thomas began brainstorming ideas to help his darker, chaotic Creativity tomorrow. He knew in the back of his mind that Roman was helping with the ideas, and he thanked all his lucky stars that his other Creativity was able to do his job despite the grief, and mentally promised to get to him soon. Virgil was next on the list of 'most concerning behavior', then Roman, and finally Patton could have his meltdown. 

Everything would be okay, Thomas would make sure of it. 

\----------------

It was a long, slow process to get everyone to open up like Logan had and just let everything out, to draw the poison from the wounds so they can begin to heal properly. Remus had taken a few hours of gently talking at him and offering different activities to do that Thomas thought his… grosser Side might enjoy. Heck, Thomas had even offered Tide Pod look a likes, a common impulsive thought he had that he knew came from Remus, but it took Thomas sighing and opening up himself for Remus to respond. "I miss him too, ya know. I never… never really got to tell him how much I appreciated him. It's funny… now that he's gone, I can't help but remember all the times he must have been behind my thoughts and actions, helping me stay safe, alive, keeping my friendships afloat with little white lies here and there… it hurts to know he left us feeling worthless."

Remus had been silent for a few moments, like he had been since Janus' disappearance, until, finally, The Duke croaked out some words.

"He… used to, uh," Remus sniffed, tears pricking at his dull eyes, "when we were younger, he'd help me make stories and read them to me at night. Like bedtime stories, but more… Brother's Grimm than Disney…"

"I didn't know that," Thomas murmured, leaning back a bit to get more comfortable on the squishy bed. Because of course Remus would have a water bed. "What was it like for you guys, when I was growing up? I keep meaning to ask…"

"Jay kept us  _ all _ hidden from you," Remus coughed a bit, murmuring a soft thank you as Thomas offered him a glass of water. He took a sip, cleared his throat, and started again, "That first Sanders Sides video was when Morality had convinced him to let him, Logic, and Roman free. They both agreed that me and Virge should still stay hidden, and I guess Jan stayed hidden with us to keep us hidden, or whatever. But… growing up… before the huge divide of Light and Dark Sides… it was nice. Me and Ro would spar in the Imagination, with Logic as a referee. Morality would try to bake cookies for afters, giving whoever won an extra cookie. Virge… Virge would keep us calmer, tone us down, keep you safe. While Jan… Jan helped, threading in lies to make plays, stories, everything better. How can you have theater and acting without lies?" Remus let out a wet chuckle, allowing Thomas to help him sit up against his pillows, "Me and Lo got into so much shit together… we'd do stupid crazy stuff all the time and always tell Morality that it was in the name of Science… I'd have a dumb impulse or cool new idea and go to Logic to see if it was physically possible. He… he always made my ideas gorey, bloodier, more realistic. Back when he wasn't a stick in the mud. Did you know he used to wear a bowtie instead? Like Bill Nye… fuckin nerd. Now he's all about being serious… no fun."

"Wow," Thomas whispered, eyes wide, "That… that's all really nice, Rem… what happened?"

"Your view of the world changed. Instead of being vaguely gross and anatomically correct, I was… evil. Dark. Virgil got too worried about everything, became Anxiety instead of Caution… almost became Paranoia at one point before Janus swept in and soothed him with truths and lies. Patton decided lying was bad, that Janus was just the snake from the garden of Eden, and banished us from the front of the mind. For a while Janus kept us hidden from both you and the Lights, as they called themselves, because he was worried. Patton had… a lot of power and sway back then. Still kinda does. Everything changed after that."

Remus fell quiet, his voice raspy and hard to understand with those last few sentences. Thomas felt his heart ache at the sad look on the other's face, and promptly pulled him into a hug.

"I'm so sorry that happened, Remus. If I had known… I don't know. But I swear to you, even though I can't bring back the past, I can make it so the future is just as nice, okay? I want nothing more than for you all to get along and care for each other like I care for you."

Remus had broken, then, and cried for a solid 45 minutes (Thomas timed it after Logan's break down), but after he was done he looked… a lot better than before. Brighter eyes, lighter expression, less like he had the whole world on his shoulders. He even ate the fake Tide Pods after Thomas assured him they were just well-made candies, and the two spent the rest of the day chatting about the past, the future, everything in between. Thomas even got Remus to laugh while recounting a funny story involving a science experiment gone wrong and everyone's clothes turning bright pink for a week. 

Virgil, the introvert he was, took a whole two days before he even let Thomas into his room to see him. He looked a mess, almost as bad as Remus had been. His hair was a greasy tangle, and he was swimming in his hoodie. Thomas wasn't sure of the last time he'd slept, but Virgil was jittery too, glancing around the room and picking at his nails. Remus' voice seemed to echo through his head,  _ he almost became Paranoia at one point before Janus swept in and soothed him with truths and lies. _

Taking a steadying breath, Thomas entered his Anxiety's room and carefully took a seat at the edge of his bed. A simple twin mattress piled with black and purple pillows, blankets, and a heavy looking quilt. Slowly, he tried to make eye contact, keeping his voice soft and soothing, "Virge? Buddy? You in there, V?"

Hazy purple eyes snapped to his, pupils so small they were little dots, and Thomas felt his chest ache. Oh, his poor Anxiety…

"There you are. Do you wanna talk about what has you so freaked out? Maybe I can help."

Virgil shook his head and chewed on his already picked at thumb, eyes starting to dart around again. His eyeshadow was dripping down his cheeks.

"Hey, okay. That's just fine, bud. Is it okay if I talk anyways? You don't have to respond."

Slowly, Virgil turned his gaze back to Thomas and nodded, just once. The Host offered a slow, warm smile.

"Okay… thank you. I guess I'll start with some updates. Remus is doing much better now, I even saw him in the living area you guys have when I was on my way to see you. He still looked tired and too thin, but it's still improvement. Logan has been feeling better too, starting to work on my schedule and revise my daily plan so I'm getting the proper amount of sleep, exercise, and the right calories while still giving me time to do work and leisure activities. I know Patton and Roman are still hurting, but they are masters at hiding their pain until they can deal with it on their own, and I feel really bad about letting them do that, but you and Remus and Logan worried me the most. You three just… shut down, which is fine, and totally normal, but I… I can't lose anyone else, Virge. I can't lose you, too. I know that feels a bit guilt trippy, and I'm sorry for that, but I don't think I can physically handle losing you and Jan-"

Virgil jerked a bit at the name, wide eyes frantically flicking around his room, before he crumpled into a tight ball and started crying.

Thomas startled a little at the sudden, intense reaction, before slowly scooting a bit closer. "Uh, Virge? You okay, there?"

"I-I" Virgil hiccuped, wiping frantically at his eyes, "I j-just… I k-keep expecting him to-to walk out of the shadows or s-somethin, probably cackling like some-some Disney villain or whatever-" the anxious Side sniffled and rubbed at his face again, "I c-can't… wrap my head around him being g-... g-gone."

"I know," Thomas sighed, hunching his shoulders a little, "I keep waiting for him to fade in, chuckling his cliché evil laugh every time I tell a lie, no matter how small, and… And he doesn't. And it throws me off, and I just… it's hard."

Virgil nodded, looking less crazed now. More grounded. "I… left a lot unsaid, with him. Never apologized for some shitty things I did. I don't… I don't regret leaving the others, I did it for a reason, but… I didn't… I didn't go about leaving the right way, and I hurt my friends, and… and now he'll never know how much he…"

Virgil's lip wobbled and was the only warning Thomas got before he burst into fresh tears. He was starting to expect the tears, and easily guided Virgil to crying into his Host's shoulder instead of his own knees, rubbing his back and murmuring soft reassurances. 

He timed it again, and surprisingly Virgil only cried for about ten minutes. Thomas had been expecting to sit there for another hour, but maybe Virgil was good at pulling himself back together. A sad thought, but Thomas was grateful for the lack of a numb butt nonetheless. 

"S-sorry," Virgil mumbled, rubbing at his eyes and eyeing the tears and snot on Thomas' shirt, "That's gross…"

"I'm used to it by now, plus, it disappears when I leave. No harm no foul. Now, after a good cry like that I usually like to eat some pasta and watch movies. Whatdya say?"

"That… That sounds nice…" Virgil hid his faint flush by ducking his head, but Thomas could still see it, and resolved to hang out with his Anxiety more.

"Nightmare Before Christmas and Coraline?" Thomas asked, just to check, and got a hesitant smile in return, "Come on, we can chill in my room. Just made the bed this morning."

\-----------------

Patton, while being the king of unhealthy repression, was concerning in that he was acting totally normal, Thomas knew Roman was fragile and teetering. So, with a silent apology to Patton, Thomas finally visited his "Light" Creative Side.

Roman was busy at his desk when Thomas walked in, scribbling away at something, his hair unkempt. Probably from running his hands through it over and over, like he was doing right now.

Thomas cleared his throat gently, but Roman still jumped and whipped around, eyes wide. He looked almost as crazed as Virgil had, eyes wild and face and hair streaked with ink and paint. He was a mess.

"Ah! Thomas! Didn't hear you come in, so sorry, uh- come! Sit wherever! I've been working hard to try and get ideas flowing for you to use, even if Logan's new schedule has us focusing on ourselves and our friends and putting work on the back burner for now. It's always good to have ideas on hold, right?"

He was even talking weird. Fast and a little frantic, as if desperate to be helpful.

"Roman, breathe, please," Thomas started, taking exaggerated deep breaths until half of his Creativity looked less crazy, "Okay, now. I really appreciate the work you've been putting in, helping me brainstorm the best ways to talk to the other Sides and get them to open up and start healing. And these new ideas and concepts are really intriguing, I can't wait to see how I can use them in videos,"

Roman seemed to preen under the praise, his eyes brightening in joy.

"But," Thomas hesitantly said, watching his Princely Side deflate a bit, "I know you're not unaffected by what happened. You need a break too, Princey, you  _ deserve _ one. So, maybe take a pause on those cool new ideas, get something to eat? Walk around a bit? Heck, we can watch some TV or play some games if you want? But no work for now."

Roman's proud grin had fallen into an unsure frown. He was looking fidgety again, "But… what about-"

"No, Roman. You need a break, when was the last time you ate? Slept? Did anything but sit at your desk working? Don't you remember Logan's lecture on creative burnout? If you're not careful, you'll burn out, and I care about you too much to see you hurt yourself like that again. So, please, do you want to play some games, maybe a fantasy rpg, or do you want to watch some shows?"

"I-I… s-shows, I guess," Roman mumbled, looking thoroughly chastised.

"Cool. Come on, we'll set up the couch and I can make us enchiladas while you pick something to watch, okay?"

"Y… y-yeah. Okay."

Roman didn't have a break down until after they'd eaten and watched about four episodes of Steven Universe, exploding into great, heaving sobs as he collapsed onto his Host and wailed about being a failure, a sham. With a little prodding, Roman brokenly explained how he blamed himself, how he was the one to call them "Dark Sides", and evil, and dismiss them in the first place. How he was supposed to be a protector, the hero, but Janus had been hurting so bad for so long and he'd done nothing. He was almost incoherent as he verbally berated himself for every nasty nickname, taunt, jab, and mean-spirited tease he ever sent to the scaled Side, hiccupping through an admittance that he thought the scales and half-snake thing was wicked cool, great character design. 

Once again, Thomas held a crying part of his personality and softly soothed them with kind words and gentle truths, reminding him that he wasn't evil, that it wasn't entirely his fault the divide happened, that he could still mend bridges and make things right, that Virgil had forgiven him and become a good friend despite it all, that Janus hadn't hated any of them. Even at the very end he'd just been trying to make everyone else happy.

Thomas privately tried not to think about the implications of his sense of selfishness becoming so selfless and self-sacrificing when it went totally against his core functions. The thought of how that could have happened made him vaguely queasy, so he pushed the thoughts away to deal with later. For now, he had a cried out, napping Prince on his shoulder and Steven Universe on the TV. 

\-------------

Patton was by far the worst. Every time Thomas tried to corner him to talk about  _ it _ , the fatherly Side would come out with some excuse or another to avoid the conversation. A few times he sunk out with a quick "Sorry, busy!" and left it at that. It took Thomas three days to finally trap his Moral Side, hands on his hips and looking stern.

"Patton," Thomas warned, eyeing his fidgeting Side carefully, "We need to talk,"

"Talk? About what? There's nothing to talk about!"

"Pat," Thomas sighed, feeling his shoulders drop, "I know it sucks, I know it hurts, but we need to talk about Janus-"

Patton flinched and covered his ears, looking a little frantic, "D-don't-"

"Pat, please. You can't keep repressing, it isn't healthy. You need to let it out, all of it, but I'm willing to settle for just talking about what happened for today. Please?"

Patton hesitated, shifting from foot to foot, before finally he deflated and sniffled, "Yeah… you're right… I know you're right, I just… I know the others hurt too, but… I'm your emotions, Thomas. I feel, I feel my own  _ and _ yours, and it… it's so overwhelming sometimes… the guilt, and sorrow, and regret is almost suffocating…"

"I know, and I'm really sorry about it, Patton, but you know we'll both feel better if we talk about it. You know I've been feeling better by talking with the others, and I'm sorry I saved you for last, I just…"

"I know," Patton whispered, "I was worried about Lo, Rem, and Virge, too. It makes me so happy to see them starting to smile again, and feel better, but… I… I can't get him out of my head… how he should be here, smiling and, and happy too, and…"

Thomas silently moved forward and gathered his Morality in his arms, hearing the first quiet, high pitched squeaks of someone trying to hold back sobs, "I know. I feel so, so happy and proud when I see Roman and Remus starting to get along again, Virgil coming out of his shell more, Logan feeling okay and secure enough in himself to emote more and crack a few jokes. And I can't help but wonder what Janus would think. If he'd be proud, or happy. How much he'd help in getting them all to feel more secure, and loved. There's this aching hole in my chest where he used to be, and I don't know what to do with it. It feels… Wrong, to try and fill the hole left behind, but I am tired of feeling so empty. He wouldn't want that."

Patton sniffled loudly, hugging his Host tighter, "I-I know. I-it hurts… b-but… we d-don't have to fill the h-hole, right? He can s-still hold a pl-place in our h-hearts without us feeling so… So empty. We can change it, so that we don't hurt as much, but we don't forget him. Ri-right?"

Thomas felt himself smile as he hugged his Morality tightly, "Right, Pat. We will always miss him and wish he was here, but we don't have to let that consume us until we waste away. We can move past the grief without forgetting him, or stop feeling sad that he's gone. We can fill his spot with nice memories instead, and let affection and care from our friends and family heal the wounds, until we can be okay again."

Patton let out a soft whimper and buried his face deep in his Host's chest, shaking as he let himself cry over Janus, over the loss. As he let out all his bad feelings, his regrets, his guilt, and let it wash away until he felt… lighter. Like when you have a stuffed up nose but you don't notice until you sneeze and suddenly you can breathe so much better. 

"Now, it appears that what's worked so far is a nice cuddle session on the couch, with comfort foods, and the TV on to either a movie, series, or games. What do you think, Pat?"

"Can… can everyone come? I just… I want my family with me, right now…"

"Of course! Lets go ask, okay?"

"O-okay, Thomas."

\--------------

It'd been about a week since the great Mario Kart tournament, with Roman, Remus, and Virgil all getting super competitive while Patton just had a good time and Logan let himself play a couple rounds. Due to him following the rules of the road and complaining at the lack of a speedometer and road signs, plus the violent, dangerous nature of the game, he didn't play much. Thomas was even dragged into it, laughing and taking the scenic routes with Patton as opposed to trying to win with three hardcore gamers as competition. 

Virgil ended up being the total winner of that, and had made Roman make him a trophy to commemorate the occasion. It was sitting on a special shelf in his room. 

Things were… still not perfect, they never would be, but it was better. Thomas was lighter, happier, reconnecting with worried friends and family and starting to go out again, hanging out and having a good time. With Roman and Remus getting along so well, Thomas had been creating ideas out the wazoo, being able to help edit scripts and videos, coming up with new ideas for his series and shooting them to Joan as a sounding board and co-writer. He was following Logan's schedule, which he wrote with input from the others to make it more manageable, and made time to just hang out with his Sides, either one on one or in some group setting. Everything seemed to be doing okay.

He was with Patton when it happened, which, in retrospect, might have been the best Side to be with.

They were busy in the kitchen, a recipe loaded on Thomas' laptop and the two were goofing off a bit as they tried to make cookies from scratch, something neither tried before. Patton already had eaten a handful of the chocolate chips and was trying to convince Thomas that they'd need icing when they were done, while Thomas sneakily put a dab of flour on the fatherly Side every time he said a pun. He looked like a ghost by now, and totally oblivious. Until Thomas relented and let Patton pour in however many chocolate chips he wanted, and the moral Side clapped excitedly.

Sending puffs of flour into the air for them both to sneeze on.

"Thomas! I know I'm a mess but it's not usually so literal! What did you do??"

"Nooothing~" Thomas singsonged, "Guess you're just more messy than you thought, flower boy!"

Patton bounced on the balls of his feet, shaking flour from his flower crown that Roman had weaved for him earlier, "Was that a pun!?"

"Oh no, definitely not-" Thomas giggled, and then paused. Patton did too, his flour-y head tilting a bit to the side. Thomas didn't have to ask if he'd heard it too.

The soft  _ whoosh _ of a Side appearing in the real world.

But… everyone, even Remus, would appear in the kitchen with them, not out in the living room. Or at least they'd be making themselves known by now. Curious, Thomas poked his head out to see just who showed up for the cookie party-

And almost choked.

An achingly familiar figure stood by the stairs, black capelet being tugged on gently by seemingly nervous yellow-gloved hands. An all too familiar bowler hat sat atop a swiveling head, nervous feet shifting to and fro. 

Janus turned further and looked over his shoulder, eyes widening when they locked with Thomas'. Scales glinted in the artificial light, his yellow snake eye glowing.

"O-oh. Uhm, Thomas. I… apologize, I have not prepared for this… uhm, do not be alarmed, I am a… I suppose a meta-physical embodiment of your capacity for Deceit. Oh, that's too long, uhm, perhaps just call me Deceit? Though, I do represent other aspects of your personality, of course. Uhm… are you alright? You look like you've seen a ghost."

Thomas could only stare, his mind frozen. He knew without actively checking that all his Sides currently in the mindscape were seeing this, hearing this, and subsequently freaking out. Patton, however, was oblivious, and simply skipped out with the bag of chocolate chips.

"Well don't just stand there kiddo, come-... Help…" Patton stopped, shock taking over his features. His hands spasmed and he dropped the bag, chips going everywhere, but he didn't seem to notice. His eyes were tearing up, "J… Janus?"

Janus looked incredibly surprised and confused at the arrival of Patton, and at the name he looked around the rest of the empty room, becoming more confused. "Uhm, I'm sorry, are you speaking to me?"

"I-I…" Patton couldn't seem to form words as the realization slowly sunk in. It was Janus, but… not. He didn't recognize Patton as Patton, or even as Morality. He didn't remember Thomas, only recognized him as the Host. He… he'd introduced himself. Like they'd never met.

"Uhm, D-Deceit?" Thomas asked, wanting to cry when mismatched eyes turned questioningly to him, "What… what all do you remember?"

"Remember? Uhm… nothing? I was only formed recently… about a few days ago? I was wandering around these dark grey halls, trying to find my way to… somewhere, when I felt this tug in my chest. Like a fish hook around my lungs. So, I just… closed my eyes and followed it. Showed up here. Sorry, this is a very rocky introduction…"

Patton seemed to be on the verge of losing it, so Thomas made a snap decision and sent Jan-Deceit an apologetic smile, "Give us just a second, will you? Feel free to make yourself comfortable, I'll be right back."

With that, Thomas pulled a shaking Patton back into the kitchen and placed both hands on his shoulders, looking him dead in his watery eyes.

"Th-Thomas, h-he- he doesn't-" Patton gasped, tears starting to fall.

"Patton, go back to the mindscape, let the others comfort you while I go figure out what's going on, okay? We can get through this. It'll be fine."

Slowly, reluctantly, Patton nodded and sank out. Thomas got a sense of them all clustered in a group hug, and took a deep, shaky breath. Okay. He can do this. Thomas turned and walked back out, ignoring the mess on the floor and in the kitchen.

J-Deceit was sitting nervously on the couch, eyes snapping to his Host when he walked back in. "I heard that," He blurted, then looked vaguely embarrassed, "The, uh, the lie, I mean. That it'll be fine. What won't be fine, Thomas? Maybe I can help?"

That earnest look in his eyes, vulnerable but determined, was so familiar yet so foreign. This wasn't Janus. This was a Deceit that didn't grow with Thomas, that didn't share an existence with the other Sides. Thomas wondered how much of his life Deceit remembered, if there were blank spots, if he knew at all. Clearing his throat awkwardly, Thomas sank into the couch near his new Deceit, "I know you're gonna call me on the lie, but it is… Fine, for now. Something that needs to be dealt with later. For right now, I… I would like to get to know you. Tell me about yourself?"

"Uhm… well, there's not much to say. I'm not even sure why I'm wearing these clothes, or why I have scales. I just… all I know is that you're my Host, and I am your Deceit. I think… I think I'm also your Denial, Selfishness, and… sense of Self Care? That sounds right… uhm, who was that earlier? The sad one with the glasses, who called me… what was it, Janine?"

"That, uh. That was Patton. He's my Morality, my Emotions, and my Heart. He's also my Selflessness. He uh… he just got a bit confused. Thought you were someone else."

"So, you have other Sides? And they don't go by their primary functions?" Deceit asked, eyebrows raising in surprise. "Who else?"

"Uhm… my Creativity is split into two Sides, Roman and Remus. Roman is also my ego, my fanciful thoughts, my hopes and dreams… where Remus is my darker thoughts, my impulses, and has an odd fascination with butts. There's Logan, my Logic, curiosity, and the source of my factual knowledge. And finally there's Virgil, my Anxiety, but also my fight or flight, my instincts, and kind of my self preservation."

"Fascinating," Deceit murmured, eyes wide, "Why hadn't I run into any of them?"

"Well, from what they've said and what you described, I think you were wandering around near the back of my mind while they tend to stay near the front. It's brighter and warmer there."

Deceit nodded, looking down at his lap. He looked quietly contemplative, his voice soft, unsure, "Thomas… why was I formed so late? I can only assume the others formed earlier, you know them so well, I can tell. But… was I not needed until now? Did you… not lie? Or take care of yourself? Or let yourself do things to make  _ you _ happy instead of making  _ others _ happy?"

Thomas let out a breath. Oh boy, the moment he was not looking forward to. He couldn't lie to him, it wouldn't be fair and he'd know instantly, so…

"The truth is, Deceit… you were formed with everyone else. Well, maybe not you specifically, since you don't remember, but… there was a Deceit before you. Grew up with the others, lived with them, loved them, had fights and made up… but, recently, something… happened. And he… well, he… damn, it's still hard to say," Thomas laughed wetly, taking note of Deceit's confused, almost scared expression. Like he knew what Thomas was going to say.

"He died, essentially. About… six months ago now. Patton… Patton called you Janus because that's what his name was. And you look just like him, sound just like him, and he… we both thought maybe he had come back, against all odds. That's not the case, clearly, and I'm so sorry for dumping all this on you when you only just formed, you must be so overwhelmed. Please, just… all I ask is that you don't try and replace who we lost. Be yourself, okay? It'll take a while for everyone to get used to it, but we will, I swear. Any… Any questions?"

"Why… why did he… die." Deceit asked, his eyes looking a lot less bright with all this new information. It very nearly set off alarm bells.

"He… had a lot of cognitive distortions and jumped to some conclusions. We all made some mistakes, said some things, and didn't notice how much he was hurting until far too late. I wish he'd known how much I appreciated him, and now I… I swear I'll do better by you, okay, Deceit? Your voice will be heard and respected." 

Deceit still looked rather uncomfortable, but he nodded all the same. Thomas let out a breath and sent him a warm smile. "Any other questions?"

"Do I need a name?" Deceit asked, fidgeting nervously, "I noticed every other Side has one… but, I don't want to just… use Janus' name. That's not… that doesn't feel right. I'm not him."

"I know, and I don't think any of us could handle it if you took that name, so I'm happy to hear it doesn't fit." Thomas sighed, "You don't  _ need _ a name, per se, but if you find one you like you can certainly use it, and ask us to use it. Totally up to you."

"I think…" Deceit frowned, picking at his pants, "I think I want a wardrobe change… I can tell these are his clothes, his outfit, and again it doesn't… fit right. I'll work on that later, but… I… I like the name… Ethan?"

Painfully familiar mismatched eyes met Thomas'. Vulnerable, searching for a positive reaction. Thomas could swear he could hear Janus giving his name once more, echoing in the background, but he pushed the memory away for now. He let a smile slip onto his face, watching as De-Ethan seemed to relax. "That's a great name. Do you want us to use it?"

"Uhm… you can, but… I want to get to know the others first before they start actually using my name. If that's okay?" Ethan asked, still fidgeting with the gloves.

"Of course! You let me know if anyone gives you any trouble, okay? Now, how about we find where your room ended up?"

"I have a room?"

"Yep! And your own corner of the mindscape. Don't worry about figuring everything out immediately, I'm sure the others will help if you ask." Thomas smiled and gently took hold of Ethan, closing his eyes and taking them to the mindscape.

They landed in the living room to utter chaos.

Ethan immediately flinched back and behind his host, narrowly dodging a stray pillow.

"Hey, whoa, chill out! What's happening here!?" Thomas called, causing all Sides to freeze.

Remus pointed an accusing finger at Ethan, his eyes puffy and red, "What's the  _ fake _ doing here!?"

"Hey!" Thomas snapped, feeling anger bubble in his chest, "None of that, Remus. He isn't a fake, he's his own Side, and I'll  _ thank you _ to treat him with the same respect you do everyone else! Got it?"

Remus didn't verbally respond, but he sat himself in the timeout corner and crossed his arms, looking sulky. 

Patton and Logan both relaxed as the main source of noise and chaos finally settled, both slumping into nearby chairs. Roman was still pacing behind the couch, while Virgil was bouncing his leg entirely too fast.

"That's better. Now. I know this is a lot to take in, but I don't want any of you to ostracize Deceit, okay? Don't push him away just because of what happened, it wasn't his fault. He's not the same, and I don't want  _ any _ of you trying to turn him into Janus. He is his own Side, his own name, and soon he'll even have his own style, and it's up to him to share personal information with you. Do  _ not _ badger him or demand his name. I'm not asking you to immediately become best friends, either, just… play nice. Okay?"

"Yes, Thomas," Remus muttered from his corner.

"Yeah, okay." Virgil said, chewing on his thumbnail.

"Wouldn't dream of making the same mistakes," Roman bowed his head a bit, trying to send Ethan a friendly smile.

"No problem kiddo!" Patton smiled, but it was still a bit wobbly.

"Of course he is his own Side, why would I treat him like someone he is not?" Logan questioned, fiddling with his glasses, "I'll be as inclusive to him as I am to anyone else."

"Thanks, guys. We're gonna go find his room and maybe figure out a new outfit for him. Maybe we can all have a movie night later? Or a TV show marathon?"

"As long as it isn't The Office bloopers for the seventeenth time," Logan sighed, putting his laptop back on his lap and starting to get back to whatever he was doing.

"Aw, buzz kill. Fine, we'll watch… I dunno. Maybe ATLA again? Before Netflix gets rid of it?"

After receiving a (somewhat grumbled in some cases) agreement, Thomas happily turned and led Ethan up the stairs and down the hall of rooms. 

Thankfully, his room wasn't too far down from the others, but there was a pretty clear divide. Thomas hoped Ethan wasn't upset about it, but he mostly looked nervous to see what was in the room.

"Now, I dunno if these come fully furnished or if you have to design 'em yourselves, so, here goes nothing." Thomas chuckled awkwardly, pushing open the yellow door with a simple indented design. The room was spacious, with a simple double bed, carpet, a nightstand, dresser, and a desk with a chair. It lacked any personality at all, and Thomas had a feeling it was nothing like what Janus' room had been. 

"Okay, looks like you have a blank slate to work with! Should be fun, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess…" Ethan rubbed at his arms, looking around the empty room. "How, uh, how do I… do that. There's no, like, paint or anything."

"Oh! Uh… I dunno, actually. The others can just summon things, so maybe you can too? Won't hurt to try!"

"Yeah, okay…" Ethan sighed, looking more and more uncomfortable by the second.

"Do you want some privacy?" Thomas asked, starting to notice all the nervous, uncomfortable tells.

"Yes, please." 

Thomas nodded, offering his new Deceit a smile, "Okay, you just come find me or maybe Logan, the one in a tie and glasses, if you need anything, okay?"

"Alright."

"Okay. I'll, uh, see you later."

"Later."

Thomas hesitated for a second longer before leaving Ethan in peace, trying to figure out what was wrong with him. It was just… So jarring to see Janus' face and not get his personality. Thomas hoped a wardrobe change would help matters, because he was really struggling to separate Ethan from Janus, despite what he told the others. He really hoped they hadn't already messed things up with Ethan, that telling him about Janus was the right thing to do. 

"Just give him some space to get settled," Thomas murmured to himself, "Everything will turn out okay in the end… it'll all be fine. Just don't repeat past mistakes and we should all be good."

Right? Right.

For now, Thomas rejoined his Sides and helped talk them through any refreshed turmoil as needed, no one breaking down to tears this time, but all sans Logan were incredibly off-balance by the new development. By the time everyone was settled, it was time to prepare for the marathon night, Virgil setting up ATLA while Roman and Remus set to work in the kitchen, and Logan and Patton helped Thomas clean his own kitchen from earlier. 

Virgil glanced up from his task to see one brown and one yellow eye looking back at him from the upper landing. He resisted the urge to snap and hiss, to shout how wrong wrong  _ wrong _ this was, how he wanted  _ Janus _ back and not this… this  _ imposter _ . He knew that wasn't fair to the new guy, so he took a deep breath and offered a small, but welcoming smile. "You gonna sulk up there or are you gonna join us, shadow man?"

A familiar face came into view, twisted into a confused frown, "Shadow man?"

"Yeah, never heard of a nickname before?"

"Not really, no. I'm, like, a week old at best."

"Ah. Right. Well, whatever, you joining us or not? We're watching Avatar."

Deceit slowly crept further into the light revealing… a yellow and black striped beanie, black leggings under a baggy, fluffy yellow sweater, fingerless yellow knit gloves, and black ugg boots. Virgil couldn't help but stare at the absolute 180, his eyes wide.

Deceit shifted, oozing nervous vibes, "What? Thomas said to wear whatever makes me comfortable… this is comfy."

"Yeah, no, you're good, just… nevermind. Come pick a seat on the couch, though I'd take an edge if you aren't a fan of cuddling."

Deceit simply nodded and slowly trailed down the stairs, hardly making a sound as he moved. Virgil couldn't help but sneak glances and mentally compare this guy with Janus, though he swore to never say any of his thoughts aloud. 

Deceit ended up sitting at the edge no one sat in, drawing his knees to his chest and watching the screen interestedly. Virgil realized with a jolt that the guy had never watched TV before. He… he was literally a baby, he knew nothing. Somehow, this knowledge soothed something prickly in Virgil's chest, and he found himself quietly explaining how the TV worked, how the Xbox they were using to watch Netflix worked, how Netflix itself worked- Deceit drank it all in - wide, interested eyes flicking between Virgil and the screen where Virgil was showing various things off. 

Roman and Remus carried in snacks and drinks at some point, seeming to silently understand the fragile atmosphere of the room and fought to keep quiet and unobtrusive. Even Remus kept a lid on his outbursts, simply sitting with his brother on their favorite spots on the couch - Roman dead center with Remus sprawled across the back. Eventually, Patton, Logan, and Thomas all appeared too, in the middle of Virgil explaining what each snack was.

"So this is popcorn, which is a pretty self explanatory name. Basically you take dried kernels of corn and heat it up until it pops into this fluffy, yet crunchy thing, and people usually add butter and salt before snacking on it. The bits of shell tend to get stuck in people's teeth, though, so fair warning. Wanna try some?"

"Sure," Ethan reached a careful hand forward and rather delicately grabbed a piece. He examined it for a second before popping it in his mouth like Virgil had and chewing. He looked a bit thoughtful, and waited to say anything until after he swallowed, "Kinda… greasy, I guess? Is that the butter?"

"Yeah, it coats your mouth a bit, but it doesn't stay forever. What'd you think?"

"It's… alright. I don't really have a reference point, I haven't exactly eaten a lot yet."

"Well, there's plenty of time for that!" Patton grinned, which quickly fell into a frown as Ethan jumped in surprise, "O-Oh sorry J- uh, Deceit. Didn't mean to scare you there, kiddo."

"It's… fine." Ethan instantly seemed to retreat back into his shell, which only worsened Patton's guilt, "Uhm… n-now what?"

"Now, we watch one of the greatest animated shows of all time," Thomas offered Ethan a warm smile before plopping down halfway between Roman and Ethan. Logan and Patton took their spots, and Virgil shifted so his legs weren't directly behind anyone's back. "Help yourself to snacks and drinks, by the way. No need to ask permission, if we run out we'll just make more."

Ethan nodded and took a couple round, slightly flat things Virgil had called M&M's. He popped them into his mouth, frowning a bit as his teeth crunched through something, only to be met with something… sweet? Was that the word?? He thinks Virgil called it chocolate… he isn't sure he's a fan of this, either. Maybe he'll pass on the "snacks" for now… oh, the 'TV' was making noise, maybe the 'show' was starting.

He turned his eyes to the screen and blinked, squinting a little to try and read the words. They were so blurry… why were they blurry? Ethan jumped a bit as someone poked his shoulder, and turned to see Patton offering his glasses. 

Frowning, Ethan grabbed them and slid them on his face like he'd seen Logan and Patton wear them. Immediately his eyes widened as the words and pictures came into focus, his gaze locked onto the smooth animation and interesting colors, everything else washing away. Vaguely, he heard Patton giggle, and there was a quiet  _ snap _ and some shuffling. Maybe he'd made himself a new pair? 

The evening passed swiftly, with the group managing to watch six episodes before people started getting drowsy. Ethan was the only one still hyper alert, hardly blinking as he watched the show. When the most recent episode ended and someone shut off the screen, he very nearly whined.

"What happened? The story isn't over yet."

"I know, but it's real late, and we gotta get to bed," Thomas yawned, "It's, like, almost midnight. We can watch more later, or you can watch on your own if you really want to." 

Ethan seemed ready to protest, but everyone else was either nodding off or valiantly fighting sleepiness, so he stayed silent and just nodded at his host. No one expected him to help clean up, either, so he just sat and watched as Logan and Roman, the less sleepy of the others, carried the empty bowls and bottles into the kitchen, probably to be dealt with later since they came right back and started putting away the few blankets that got taken out and nudging those who were almost asleep (Patton and Virgil) to wake up and head to their room for a proper sleep.

"Well, how was your first tv night?" Thomas asked, stretching as he yawned.

"Good," Ethan mumbled, watching the others curiously. "Why is everyone so… tired?"

"I try to get up around eight or nine in the morning, so it fits that we'd be tired around midnight. When did you last sleep?"

"I haven't, I don't think…"

"Huh. Well, try and get some rest regardless, okay? We have a busy day tomorrow."

"Oh… okay." Ethan frowned, watching as the others waved to Thomas or verbally said some farewell that usually included some wish for him to have a pleasant night. Uncertain, he turned to his host, "Uhm… good night?"

"Good night, Ethan. See you in the morning." Thomas smiled and sunk out, heading immediately to his room to get ready for bed.

Ethan sighed softly and, when all went quiet, started his own trek to his room. Some lights were still on, but no one left their rooms, so Ethan made the trek in silence. His room was just as dull and empty as he remembered it, with the new addition of Janus' outfit stuffed in the space under his dresser, where he didn't have to look at it. He'd stocked some pajamas as well, and took a moment to change into those before crawling into his bed. He promised himself to add more… just more to his room in the morning…

Maybe someone would let him see their room, so he could get inspiration… or something.

Shit, he forgot. Ethan slid the borrowed glasses off, examining them for a second, before thinking really hard at the frames. He didn't know if Janus had worn glasses, but he still didn't want to copy anyone. Even if Logic and Morality wore the same frames. 

In seconds, the black blocky frames morphed into thin silver circles. He tried them on, and found he liked this design way better. Happier now, Ethan took the glasses back off and set them on his nightstand, settling back against his pillow. As he drifted off, he couldn't help but start wondering what to do with his walls and floors, at least. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you find an error let me know and I'll fix it! Hope you like Ethan because he is... god, I love him already. He'll be soft to Janus' harsh, shy to Janus' sarcasm and bite- If y'all want more of him, he has more surprises in store... :)


End file.
